One Day

 Probably one day, I'll kick this door, and burn my prison :)
Then after that, I'm gonna climb the highest mountain..
One sad things is, the prison is only there in my mind.. 

And I'll break it someday...

He

I see him,

waiting for me in the rain..

alone, just with his umbrella and hope

I can only saw him under my window

My heart is also hurt

But what can I do?

If this world is not allowed me too?

It's really cold outside...

Honey, just leave me..

I can't see you more hurt anymore

I'm sorry love, I can't get out, I was prisoned

This Happy Lonely Girl

Looking back at my old post in this blog from many many years ago ^^" I'm surely a lone wolves
I never talk when I love someone, or when I admire someone, I just write a poem about them ^^"
Just to remind me, that those feeling was real and felt by myself..
Probably it is very selfish, but it just my way to protect this innocent heart :)

Now I'm 26, ofc I have learned so many heartbreak and many kind of heart from different people :)
That journey, will be my story :)

Someday to tell..

My 2023 Qur'an Journey

It is started at July 2023..
I just encouraging myself to start something that I never thought before...

Yes, the Qur'an Journey :)
I look at my younger friends around my house, they already started it in the year 2022, but not really sure when..
But I really amaze by it. All of them are boys. They can give time to their busy schedule from school to study, recite, and remembering the Al-Qur'an. It is something that I want to, but I haven't done it. Probably because in my eyes and mind, always being so busy about this research world, till I never give proper times to read and learn about Al-Qur'an. I already tell you about my past trauma, and one things that heal me also Al-Qur'an :)

Alhamdulillah..

Alhamdulillah..

Alhamdulillah..

It feels like living in a  prison in the world beacuse of my own thinking and assumsion
I have no peace at all...
I only got the peace when I did sholat or read Qur'an, but after it, everything just only making me tired, mad, and ungrateful... astaghfirullah.. :(

But now, Allah give me really peaceful life, Alhamdulillah..
And now I understand, if we give proper time to done and learn about our deen, also give time for our Holy Qur'an, the peaceful life will come :) This is my friend in Mumahis, Nov 2023.

But also I really grateful for the hurtful world that I used to hear, till I realize only Allah who can cure me :) The Only One who I can depend on and trust in this world.. Allahu Akbar!

                            Source: https://shafiqolbu.wordpress.com/2014/12/17/doa-rabitah/

Hello Again.. ❤☺

Sunday, 26th November 2023

Last time I wrote here probably so many years ago ^^"

I have walk through so many journey, till finish my graduate school program in the beginning of this years. So many ups and down, but Alhamdulillah I finished it safely. Now I just finished register to my first favorite work, but I did failed, and I haven't choose what will I do now. I really love that job, cause it's my passion and something that I've done for many years, but suddenly it has to be stopped due to many reason. Can you imagine how big the hole in my heart?

Actually I register to Qur'an Hifdz Program in my place, and it've been 5 months. This world is really much much different than what I think, and different than the science and research world that I've been walking through and done since 2014 till 2022. It is more than 8 years. March 2023, I decided to stop my research journey, and trying to love my family and Al-Qur'an more. They become my priority now.

I have said it so many times how big the lost that I felt in 2020 changed my life. My boy, my partner, my best best friend die in the age of 22.  He was sick since 2019, and rest for a while until the end of 2019. He decided to work in 2020, and he said to his mother, he work so he can start his graduate school journey. That time, I already accepted in Graduate School of Chemistry program in UNS. But he got comma after a week of work. I was broken into pieces when I hear that news, and at Magrib that day, he passed away. I cry so much since I hear the news that he got comma, and I cried until 9 p.m., and my head is very hurt. That time, the trauma was started. Everytime I think about him, or remember about him, my head gets really hurt. But that time too, I still have to comfort his mother. I really hate the world that time. I have so many big responsibilities that I have to do in the place that remind me of him the most, yes, in our laboratory. I need someone to hear my story, but I have no one. I need someone to help me, but I have no one but myself. I need a friend to talk with me, but I have no one. I cry almost every night in since the beginning of 2020 till the end of 2021, where our projects end. I know my heart is not okay that time, but I have no time to heal myself. I only can pour my true feeling to Allah, ask for His help. I wear a very thick mask outside that I'm okay.

The beggining of 2022, where my projects finally ends and I can focus on my own thesis, I decided to wear my niqab. I just want to start protecting my self, and try to heal myself. I keep striving, until I finished in 16th September 2022, a week before my 25 bday. I'm already 26 y.o., in a year, I focus on healing every scar that I have in my heart, focus on my family and start a new job as a freelancer teacher :) 

I know my freelancer job for a year is probably end now, and I have to think about others job that I have to try too, but I just want to really focus on my hidfz now ❤ 

Septi ingin benar-benar belajar islam. Ingin benar-benar meluruskan niat, bahwa apa yang septi lakukan hanya untuk Allah semata :) Bismillahirrahmannirrahiim..